Some Choices Are More Equal Than Others April 29, 2007
Posted by threadingwater in feminism, home, parenting, politics.trackback
In fact, some choices are barely choices at all.
After writing about Linda Hirschman’s latest essay last week, my dialogue with commenter Kirsten continued through private email. In the course of our extended discussion about the choices women make when it comes to work and family, it occurred to me that all this “choice” language is, well, a crock.
“Choice,” after all, connotes some degree of equality between available options. If I want a piece of fruit, I can choose an apple or a banana. If I’m weighing two job offers, I can compare wages, benefits, transporation expenses and make an informed choice between the two. These are choices – not perfectly equal, but close enough.
What irks me about the child-rearing v. work issue is when women buy into the deluded argument that they are exercising a “choice” to opt out of the workforce and stay home with their children. Really? I would argue that when one considers the lack of family-friendly employment policies that exist in most professions, the high cost of daycare, an income tax structure that punishes dual-income households and survey after survey that indicate fathers are still not coming close to carrying their weight when it comes to family and household duties, the word “choice” is something of a joke. Only the wealthiest women, those who can afford to hire sufficient, professional staff, and work flexible hours are the ones in a position to make a real choice about how they balance work and family.
And, what about those mothers for whom the choice – imaginary as it is – doesn’t exist in any form? Single mothers, widows, divorcees, or those whose families simply cannot get by without the second income or health benefits their jobs provide? The very same issues (expensive day care, inflexible work days, 2nd or 3rd shift hours, lack of support at home) affect their career choices, their lifetime earnings, their ability to prepare for retirement, to own a home, to provide their children with opportunities of the most basic kind.
The fact is, women carry an unequal burden when it comes to raising children. Whether we stay at home during our child rearing years, or head back to the workplace, the financial toll over the course of a lifetime is significant. We can tell ourselves we’re making “choices,” but there’s little equality between the available options. Yes, of course our children are worth the sacrifices we make for them, but shouldn’t the sacrifices be shared equally by both parents?
The media likes to frame this issue as “the mommy wars.” I find that categorization disparaging and infuriating. This is an issue that affects families, and until men and fathers are fully engaged in the discussion, absolutely nothing will change.
Ah, yes-
and then there’s yet another ‘choice’ we women can make – - the ‘choice’ not to have children at all.
I’m finding some interesting radio silence in the media on THAT one.
The idea that some of us might come to the conclusion that, given the above lack of choice, we might choose not to bear children at all, is a rather quiet one.
No conclusions yet on that, just some musings from a ‘non-Mom.’
I agree, Akabini, I find the media silence on that issue interesting as well. I’m glad I chose to have children (and it was definitely a choice) but if, like many of my friends, I had spent my 20’s and early 30’s pursuing advanced degrees and building a career, I wonder if I would’ve have chosen to have children. I have no interest in juggling the two, I’ve seen what it does to the women around me … no thanks. But when I mention this to women (“if you want to advance your career, don’t have children”) they balk. But I’m being practical, there is just no satisfying way to combine the two given the lack of options in the workplace.
Sacrifices should be shared equally by both parents, but try doing that when one parent heads up a company. Can’t exactly cut out of board meetings to pick the kids up from daycare or take them to their extracurricular activities or drive them to yet another doctor’s appt. I often remind my husband that he’s able to “have it all” only because I’ve given something up. Not complaining, I have a good life but I do remind him regularly that I’m in a vulnerable position. My husband is engaged on this issue but honestly, there’s no such thing as a part-time CEO. He is able to juggle his schedule so that he can coach baseball, or attend a school event but that’s only because of the privilege of his position. We’ve talked about him “downsizing” his career so that I could work but the options aren’t great and the loss of income doesn’t make sense given we have three kids to put through college soon enough. That’s reality.
You’re absolutely right, there isn’t much choice if you decide to have children. Especially for those of us who don’t work in fields that would yield us a six figure paycheck. After paying for exorbitant childcare and forking the rest over to Uncle Sam thanks to the current punitive tax structure, I would’ve had nothing left to show for the insane juggling act. Not to mention the 50+ hours a week I would’ve lost with my kids during their early years. Even now, I enjoy being home when they get off the bus. There aren’t any satisfying jobs in my area for someone who needs to be home by 2:30 pm every day. And I agree, reducing this complex issue to the divisive frame of the “mommy wars” benefits no one.
Great conversation! I have always worked AND I have stayed home with my kids. I never fit into either group – stay at home moms OR working moms. I went to an office while the kids were at school – packed an 8 hour day into 5 hours, so I never went to lunch with other working women or met after work for a cocktail. Neither did I drive on fieldtrips or bake cookies for school bake sales… As I left work to pick up 3 kids at 3 different schools (affectionately called the “baby loop”), I would switch hats… let go of clients needs and prepare my brain for “mom can I” mentality.
This was not easy for me at all. Stuck in the middle of “I could never leave my babies” and “if I stayed home my brain would turn to mush,” I soon figured out that women are just as hard on other women as the perceived (and probably true) gender gap at big corporations. I am fortunate in that my husband and I own the businesses that I work for. I cannot imagine the “choices” other women have to make… or get to make… or are forced to make.