Thursday, April 6, 2006, has been declared "Take Your Flag to Work Day" by the I'm-Not-Racist-I'm–Patriotic-Crowd. In case you're planning to join their party, here is ThreadingWater's guide to help you prepare for the big day.
Attire: April can be cold and blustery in many parts of the country, so remember to dress in layers. You'll really show your American pride when you cover all your naughty parts in red, white and blue. And don't forget to cover your head in patriotic hues, but if your morning commute takes you through some neighborhoods with brown people, you'll want something that says, "don't shoot!"
At the office: No need to stop sending out the patriotic vibes with clothing alone. Spruce up your cubicle with these, 'cause nothing broadcasts American pride like a string of beer bottles! And don't forget, a complimentary dish of flag mints will really be appreciated by your co-workers. What? Finding it too stressful to be an American these days? Maybe you need to take it out on all fifty states at once with this squeezable toy instead of ranting at your soft-on-immigration elected officials.
At home: After a long day at work, your ass will really appreciate the comfort of this flag-sporting bean bag chair. But, don't get too comfy! Get up and share the love of flag and country with the residents of your home aquarium with this adornment.
Now, get out there and show some pride. Last one to slap a USA sunshade across the windshield of their gas-guzzling SUV is a whiney anti-American slug.